The Difference A Year Makes.

“Maybe this Christmas will mean something more
Maybe this year love will appear
Deeper than ever before”

-Tracey Thorn, Maybe This Christmas

This time last year, I was writing this post, collecting together songs that I felt best summarised why I find Christmas such an emotional time.

Of course, I’ve been listening to that playlist on repeat for weeks this year too, but it sounds different to me this time round. Its transformed from a quietly melancholic collection to one of optimism.

This time last year, I was steadfastly single. I refused to believe in love in the same way I used to do in the past. I had never even said the word to anyone else (except for friends) for years. I was stubbornly resisting the advances of a man who I knew to be very wonderful, on the basis that I would likely just mess it all up anyway and hurt him, given that I was, in my own head, such an awful and cynical heartless monster who would clearly ruin his life.

Luckily, my willpower (helped along by a fair amount of beer) failed me eventually and we went on a date in January. This is probably the best decision I have made, ever. What has followed has been better than I could have ever imagined. I’ve gone from refusing to acknowledge the L-word to telling him many, many times a day that I love him. He puts up with me and my mood swings, is happy to leave me alone when I need social recharge time, and is just really quite marvellous. He makes me laugh despite his cracker joke-level sense of humour, gives great hugs, and most importantly buys me Lego. For the first time in blummin’ yonks, I feel safe, and like I’ve come home.

“So happy new year, this is the one we talked about and

Happy New Year, this is where it all works out

This is where is comes together and everything comes through

Happy ever after all comes true”

-Simma, Happy New Year

So going into this new year, everything seems different. We’re moving into a new house together, and I really can’t wait. The cat and the hamster have double-barrelled surnames. I have a new job lined up, though it’s in the same centre and will involve moving a mere several metres across the office to a different desk. I still worry that it’ll all come crashing down at some point, but I’m managing to keep those thoughts in check and just enjoy it all for the most part.

Hopefully I’m not sounding too smug here. I just want you all to know about the good things that happen, since I tell you probably far too much about the bad stuff. I’ve had some amazing e-mails in the past from readers who have been through similar experiences to me, and I’d like you to know that things can change and can end up even being miles better than they ever were before.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. I know this time of year can be really hard for some. I send my love and hugs to you. 

Hxxx

The Prometheus Pants Problem Explained

Prometheus. It’s the film that disappointed pretty much everyone. The internet is flooded with in depth critiques of it, many of which refer to the lack of real science, along with the deep metaphysical and philosophical issues with it. All of these posts, however, have missed what I found to be the most problematic feature of the film: Underwear.

And yes, I know it came out two years ago, and it’s a bit weird to be writing a blog post about it now, but I’ve found myself trying to explain the Prometheus Pants Problem (PPP) to a few people, both verbally and on Twitter of late. Its complexity and importance means that 140 characters will just not do, and I think it is important to have a robust reference source to refer people to when explaining all aspects of the PPP.

It is important to note, I think, that in actual fact I vaguely enjoyed Prometheus. When I saw it at the cinema, I hadn’t seen any of the Alien films (I know, I know), but I thought it was worth a shot anyway. I found the running about with lots of alien goo stuff flying about fairly entertaining. The problems came when they kept interrupting the frivolous alien romp bits with Important Thinly Veiled Stuff About God, which made me rather lose patience. And, of course, I ended up pretty fixated on the PPP, which meant that I couldn’t think about anything else in the film. I’m like that- I’ll fixate myself on one tiny thing that happens for a millisecond, and then spend the entire rest of the film thinking and internally ranting about it.

1.       The Need for Pants At All.

Let’s be honest with ourselves here. You get in from a hard day’s work. You’re not expecting anyone. You’ve got a whole night of delicious nothingness stretching ahead of you. Its toasty warm in your home. What’s the first thing you do? You take off your uncomfortable outer wear, and let it all hang out, right? I mean, no one is going to see you and you’re in the comfort of your own home, so why the hell not wander around in all of your naked birthday suited glory if you want to?

Perhaps you wear your PJs instead, or a pair of comfy pants. That’s probably because, deep down, you’re sort of somehow worried that someone might see. You might get an unexpected visitor, or the pizza man might be arriving at any point. But imagine for a second that you are the only person alive at that point in time. What’s the point in clothes then? Especially if you can absolutely, categorically be sure that you’re the only one, because you’re the person who creates lifein the first place, and you haven’t yet drank the wormy goo that you need in order to do so yet.

So, in the opening seconds of Prometheus, we’ve got our engineer guy, on a planet in which he hasn’t yet created life (except for, well, all the plant life that is already there, but I think we’re supposed to ignore that). Now, never mind your front room, imagine having an entire planet all to yourself. Would you wear pants? Of course you wouldn’t. Any sane person would be running about joyfully, jiggling here there and everywhere, enjoying the sense of freedom. You’d let every little bit hang and flop about as much as you like, because who is going to be there to judge?

2.       The Need For Pants At All Part 2.

We don’t ever see any Female Engineers at any point in Prometheus. Thanks for that bit of everyday sexism, Ridley. The Baldy One does not seem to require any sort of sexual act to create life: just a shot of tarry goo, and that’s that.

 So on this basis, would they even have genitals at all? And even if they did, why would they be considered a special part that needs to be nestled away from prying eyes, if the reproductive act doesn’t need to take place? 

3.       Disappointing Pant Technology

Let’s play devil’s advocate here for a while and accept that pants are required for some unknown reason. This then leads on to another problematic issue.

These engineer types appear to be pretty smart. After all, they are the purported creators of life itself, right? Yet with all of their super advanced technology and supremely high IQs, the best they can come up with is a couple of bandages wrapped around themselves, nappy-like.

That just doesn’t ring true to me. Even our lowly human selves can come up with better pant technology than that. We have all sorts of colours, fabrics, designs, access holes, fastenings, elastic etc. But no, this superior life form instead decides to wrap some bandages around its crotch. How much of a faff must those things be to get into? They’d be a right clart on to get back out of if you need a wee. Do they need someone else to help them put them on in the morning, holding the bandages while they spin themselves around? How undignified and inconvenient.

4.       Lack of Pant Technology Evolution

This first engineer scene is Prometheus presumably takes place thousands of years prior to all of the kerfuffle depicted in the rest of the film. And yet, we are supposed to believe that pant technology has remained starkly primitive through all of this time?

The evidence for this is Noomi, who is merrily wandering around, post-surgery, wearing what is clearly another pair of low tech bandage pants, along with a matching bra. What’s happened to underwire technology? Why are people from this time still wearing the same design of crap pants as their creators? Surely, in the intervening millennia, someone would have realised elastic exists.

And that, dear friends, is a brief examination of the Prometheus Pants Problem. I’ve seen it creeping into other films since (most recently Guardians of the Galaxy), and I won’t rest until these important questions are answered, in full.

Other things to note about Prometheus:

-They appear to use Joseph Joseph kitchen implements. Nice to know that this mid-range kitchenware design brand is still going strong that fair into the future.

-Wandering around important historic sites that have been sealed off for thousands of years should probably be done in a more respectful way, if you’re wanting to preserve it for proper research. One guy says at some point “We’ve changed the atmosphere in here”. Well, yes, yes you have, though its nowt to do with the inherent evilness of mankind, and everything to do with barging in, blithely breathing your modern germs all over everything. If a door has been shut for thousands of years, I’d imagine that yes, it might get a little musty in there. Opening the door and allowing a bit of fresh air in is likely to change the atmosphere somewhat.

-The Dead Head that explodes: Apparently the theory behind this is that this head, reawakened after a very long time, can’t cope with how crap, evil and corrupt the world now is so it explodes. Now, I’m no expert in these matters, but I’m pretty sure that exposing a thousand year old corpse to all sorts of new atmospheres might well lead to a build up of some gases, which on electrocution, may well then explode.

-The most obvious plot hole of them all, which has most probably been covered in great detail elsewhere, still annoys me. Noomi’s oxygen is about to run out, and its all very tense indeed, but then phew, she is okay. However, it appear to magically recharge itself somehow whilst she tends to her errant offspring, as when she needs it again afterwards the oxygen level in there is just fine. Grrr.

Anyway, I’ll shut up for now, though I won’t apologise for bringing this important matter to your attention. And yes, you will now be forever destined to notice intently all pants being worn in any sci-fi movie, and yes, it will probably ruin all enjoyment for you. You’re welcome :D

Hxxxxx

Advert Annoyances Vol 1: Senokot

Welcome to the first installment in what is likely to be a very sporadic series. As you've probably guessed by now, I have a tendency to be irrationally annoyed by small things, especially when it comes to medicines. Adverts for OTC meds can be a prolific  source of cringes. Even leaving aside the requests for "you know, that one on the telly, where there is a guy and a dog and its a blue box", there will occasionally be a little phrase or image used in these adverts that makes me stop and seethe a little.

The current one at the moment, is Senokot. I can't find a link to the new advert, but when I do, I shall pop it in here so you can see for yourself.

There's all sorts of naturalistic fallacies going on, but that's not what annoys me the most. It's the phrase " works in harmony with your body" that i'm finding hard to stomach (geddit?)

Put simply, senna works by irritating your bowel. Your bowel notices that it is being hurt by something, therefore starts contracting and producing secretions to hastily get rid of the thing hurting it.  This then might make you poo, but from your bowel's point of view that's a side issue- its just trying to protect itself from harm.

That doesn't really sound to me like "working in harmony". You might as well say that fire works in harmony with human skin to make you walk faster- in actual fact, one is just out to hurt the other, meaning something else happens as an unintended- but sometimes useful- consequence.

Hxxx

it's Thyme to Bronchostop this nonsense

I’m sorry, I just could not resist that headline.

Whilst working a locum shift the other week, I noticed a couple of new products had leapt their way to the pharmacy shelves. “Bronchostop”. Sounds interesting, I thought, until I moved a bit closer and noticed that they are, in actual fact, a herbal cough remedy, and my vague excitement was replaced with a bit of my soul dying. Then I saw the price tag, and the anger kicked in.

Brought to us by our old friends at Omega Pharma, Bronchostop syrup contains thyme extract and marshmallow root, whilst the lozenges just contain thyme extract. Omega claim that it “relieves any type of cough”, and that it “takes the hassle out of choosing a solution”. Well, I must say, I’m pleased to hear that, because I find one of the main stressors in my life is choosing which cough remedy to use. I mean, it’s just so complicated to decide if you have a dry or a chesty cough, then realise that it makes no difference anyway as most cough medicines don't work, so you then just by a cheapo honey and lemon thing to make yourself feel placebo-ey better. 

So, given that the great all-consuming cough medicine dilemma of my life has now been sorted out by Omega, I can spend some quality time looking up the evidence to see if it works.

It turns out that there are some preliminary trials which suggest thyme might improve cough symptoms. However, these all use specific cough syrups with different combinations of ingredients compared to Bronchostop, so they’re not very helpful. Because the product is being sold as a traditional herbal remedy, the manufacturers don’t need to bother collecting any evidence that it works before it goes on sale- their claims are based entirely on “traditional use”, which means nothing at all scientifically.

One attempt at a clinical trial compared thyme syrup with a “real” expectorant, bromhexine, and found no difference over a five day period. There are a number of problems with this though- firstly, bromhexine isn’t commonly used in cough medicines. Secondly, there’s little to no good evidence that expectorants work anyway, so we’re comparing something that may or may not work with something that doesn’t.

Worryingly, the websitewww.bronchostop.co.uk contains absolutely no safety information whatsoever. It doesn’t tell you who can’t use it, who needs to be careful using it, or what any of the side effects might be.

What side effects could it possibly have, you’re wondering. After all, its just a herb. We eat it, so it can’t be that bad, right? Well, sort of. The amounts used in food tend to be a lot lower than when it is used as a herbal medicine.

On the whole, thyme is well tolerated, but occasional gastrointestinal effects can occur. Uncommonly, and more seriously, people can have allergic reactions to it. It can interact with drugs, including those that thin the blood, those used in Parkinson’s disease, those with anticholinergic or cholinergic effects, oestrogens (research suggests it may decrease the effects of HRT, but theoretically also the contraceptive pill), and non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs. It may cause problems in people with bleeding disorders, who are undergoing surgery, or who have hormone sensitive cancers. We have no idea of the effects that medicinal amounts of thyme can have in pregnant or lactating women.

It seems to me, however, that its main adverse effect will be on your bank balance. This stuff is £8.99 for a 200ml bottle or £4.99 for 20 pastilles- that’s a whole lot more than simple linctus, which is about £1.50 and which will probably do just as good a job.

Hxxx